


Loving Need

by Nadja_Lee



Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: Cultural Differences, Cute, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Protective Jim, Short & Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-24
Updated: 2006-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:14:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22993792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: After Blair admits to his feelings for Jim, Jim tells him why he don’t think Blair would feel comfortable fulfilling the needs Jim has when it comes to a lover. However, Blair’s own needs might just surprise him.
Relationships: Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg
Kudos: 35





	Loving Need

**Loving Need**

Blair didn’t know why he had said the words. For years he had kept his love hidden. Jim had been hurt before; why had this one felt different than the other times? Because Jim had been shot while on duty without him? No, that had happened before as well. Thinking back he was sure it had more to do with him than Jim. It was a few months since the ordeal with Alex where Jim had resurrected him. Since that episode Blair had been convinced it was too dangerous to write a thesis saying Sentinels did in fact exist so he had changed it to a theoretical study, using the data he had gathered and had turned the thesis in a few days ago. He hadn’t told Jim, afraid he’ll lose his special place with the man he had secretly loved almost from the beginning, if he knew his thesis had been concluded and that he had a month or two before he had to defend it. 

He needed to tell Jim. He knew he did. Their friendship was stronger than the need of his thesis or even Jim’s need for control over his senses that had brought them together. He knew that. Still, his heart was afraid. He had been feeling guilty about deceiving Jim like this so maybe that was why he had been so scared when Simon had called and told him about Jim. He had almost flown to the hospital and when he had seen Jim, his right arm in a sling from a shot to the shoulder, he had embraced him, mindful of his injury and had whispered those words.  _ I love you, don’t ever scare me like that again _ , he had said. Jim had looked shocked, stunned and a million other things Blair hadn’t been able to decipher. Then his expression had closed and he had simply smiled reassuringly and told him he would while he hugged him back as best as his injury allowed. Realizing his mistake Blair had drawn back at once and had pretended he hadn’t said anything but the atmosphere had seemed tense despite the fact that Blair had talked a mile a minute to try and distract them both from his words. Now, some hours later, he had driven Jim home and they had just entered the loft. He had known it would happen but Jim’s soft yet serious words,  _ we need to talk _ , had still seemed like a loud scream proclaiming a death sentence to him.

“I can move out tomorrow,” Blair offered softly as he turned back to face Jim, his eyes fixed on a spot on the floor instead of looking into the Sentinel’s eyes as he moved to stand before the sofa arrangement but didn’t sit down. Debating this when he had barely made it through the front door and had just had time to hang up his jacket and Jim’s, which he hadn’t worn due to the sling, wasn’t what he had hoped for but he knew the end result was the same. He had gone over this scene where Jim found out he loved him in his mind a hundred times and in every one Jim denied him.

Jim moved to stand before him and gave him a searching but strange look, his left arm unconsciously touching his sling for a moment when a faint tingle of pain moved through him despite his low setting on his pain dial. 

“Do you want to?”

Blair shook his head, his face hidden by his loose hair. 

“No,” he admitted, his voice so soft only Sentinel ears could hear it.

“Just so we’re on the same page here…your declaration of love was meant as a lover and not a friend?” Jim probed and Blair was a little puzzled by his calm voice. Shouldn’t he be freaking out by now? 

Blair’s heart was racing as he considered his reply. Jim’s words had given him an out but it would be lying and he knew well Jim hated lies above anything else and with his Sentinel abilities he would always know if he lied anyway. Another reason for his feelings of guilt in concern with his now finished dissertation.

“Chief…look at me,” the voice was kind but the command in it was undeniable. 

Against his better judgement Blair lifted his eyes and met Jim’s gaze. He knew he couldn’t lie now. Jim would be able to read the truth in his expression. 

Calmed somewhat by Jim’s strong and soft expression Blair nodded, “Yes.” 

Jim was going to send him away with kindness, let him down easy. He was grateful for that. It’ll enable him to keep their time together alive within him and leave with only good memories of the love he had never had. 

Jim sighed and his eyes got a sad look that puzzled the younger man. “I thought so.”

Blair frowned, confused as to where this was going. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve loved you for a long time but…” Jim began honestly.

“You love me?! Like…like that?” Blair interrupted, stunned beyond words. This was turning out very differently from the scenarios he had played out in his head…in a very good way. The thought made a smile start to appear on his lips.

Jim smiled fondly. “I know a good thing when I see it,” he said warmly and Blair could read love in his eyes and softened features.

“Then what’s the problem?” Blair asked, smiling widely, not getting the sadness he was still seeing on Jim’s features.

Jim was silent for a few seconds, searching for the right words. 

“I have some…needs when I’m in a relationship that not many will like,” he finally said, wincing at the words but knowing they had to be said. 

It was better to end a relationship that hadn’t even started than end it in a few months or years down the road. If nothing else Blair deserved to know the truth so he’ll see that it was in his own best interest to give his love to someone else. No matter how painful that thought might be to Jim.

“What do you mean?” Blair asked with a frown. He couldn’t recall ever seeing any hints that Jim had any special needs. Besides his Sentinel sensitivity of course.

“During my marriage to Carolyn….” He paused before he added ruefully, his voice pained, “Well, if she didn’t like it I seriously doubt you will.”

“Because I’m a man?” Blair guessed, trying to follow Jim’s trail of thought.

Jim nodded. 

“She felt I was smothering her, taking away her freedom and independence.” He paused before he forced himself to add, reminding himself Blair deserved to hear this; he had lost Blair to death once and brought him back again. The least he could do after failing him so terribly was to openly admit to his own shortcomings, “Said I was dominating and controlling.”

”That doesn’t sound like you,” Blair said with certainty. 

He had never really cared much for Carolyn and after hearing this did so even less. 

“Me being a man you think I’ll take some actions you do as threatening to my manhood and therefore take serious offence,” Blair concluded thoughtfully, his mind caught in memories from his psychology classes, his language automatically changing into the more professional jargon.

“Something like that,” Jim admitted with an almost embarrassed shrug. 

“I was raised by a single mother who didn’t raise me to have a stereotypical view of gender roles,” Blair reminded him but seeing the doubt and uncertainty that remained in Jim’s eyes he suggested in his best councillor voice, “Well, why don’t you tell me each thing you think or know you’ll do if we were lovers which you think I wouldn’t like and we take it from there?” 

He had been wrong about Jim and how he thought he would react to his love. The least he could do was listen to Jim’s concerns and make sure they were all properly addressed. 

“I’ll want a monogamous relationship,” Jim started with the basics, remembering how Blair changed girlfriends, or boyfriends for that matter, often and sometimes had more than one at a time.

“Wouldn’t want it any other way,” Blair said with conviction and certainty, having had years to figure out just what kind of relationship he’ll want from Jim. 

“I’ll plan for forever.”

“Only way to get those new kitchen appliances I’ve wanted to make some great eastern vegetarian dishes. You eat too much meat,” Blair said with a teasing smile but his tone was warm and loving, trying to lighten the moment with humour.

“The only food I can make is barbeque, salad and steaks,” Jim went on, a small smile starting to spread over his lips, amazed by Blair’s humour and positive replies so far. All of what he was telling now was things Carolyn had sooner or later ended up resenting in him.

“Luckily I’m a bit more creative and I love cooking,” Blair said with a fond smile. “Especially for you since you always appreciate it. Even if you don’t like the dish you try it and appreciate my efforts.”

Jim couldn’t help a small smile of his own by now but kept going. “I’m useless with decorating and designing.” 

By now he too was teasing though he was still truthful. 

“I’ll be happy to do those things. As you know from here,” Blair indicated the loft with a hand and how it had changed since he had arrived, “I enjoy brightening things up.” He paused before he added, “I know why you might think I’ll mind doing such things; your dad probably raised you to believe firmly in traditional gender roles but I never saw things that way. If I enjoy doing something I’ll do it no matter which gender might traditionally have done this or that domestic function.”

Jim couldn’t help but admire the strength such statement and actions meant. He had always been an outsider himself but never in the same way as Blair. 

“I’ll read historical and military books in bed,” he warned in a light and teasing voice, clearly teasing the younger man; somehow he doubted him reading in bed would annoy Blair as much as it had Carolyn. 

“Good. Then I can catch up on my own reading in fields that interests me like psychology, anthropology and archaeology….and probably try and steal your history books from time to time as well,” he said with a wide smile, the thought of sharing a bed with Jim and doing such things like this sounded like Paradise to him. 

“I’ve done things in my military days, things that still haunt me, but which I’ll never be able to tell you,” Jim admitted, more serious and sober now, adding this because he knew how much into anti violence and military Blair by conviction was. 

“I may not condone military actions of any kind but I’ll do my best to help you through it in any way I can,” Blair promised, his voice filled with compassion and love, serious himself now.

Jim gave him a wide and warm smile that said he was wondering if this was all a dream, the humour and teasing now back in his eyes and voice. “I’ll be really protective.”

“A Sentinel’s instinct to protect the mate. Logical,” Blair said with a nod and a smile.

“I’ll do things like remind you to wear a jacket when it’s cold,” Jim teased.

“Good for I’ll forget and I freeze easily.” 

“I’ll ask you to call me regularly when we’re apart.”

“Making sure I’m safe. As said, logical,” Blair said and made a dismissive gesture to indicate he saw no problems with that Jim was telling him so far.

“I’ll do instinctive things like hold out my arm in the car during hard swings, hold you back from situations I think might hurt you in some way…” Jim began, his voice dying out as he found it hard to put in words all those small gestures he did without even thinking but which Carolyn had always hated, feeling he was patronizing her which had been far from the truth. He had always admired her strength and intelligence.

“You already do those things and you don’t see me complaining,” Blair reminded him, a warm and fond twinge in his eyes.

Jim smiled at that as the mood grew lighter and warmer by the minute. 

“I’ll physically stand before you if I feel someone might be threatening.”

Blair tried not to smile a wide smile of adoration and love. ”Good. I am  _ so _ not into pain.”

“If someone does hurt you I will make sure they pay for it, one way or another,” He said seriously. The words were a vow, a promise and a warning that he might not what to ask the details of the former Army Ranger’s determination in regard to this.

There was a dark note to that statement that Blair purposely ignored as he nodded in response to the words. 

“Protecting what’s yours. Normal territorial instincts.”

Instead of annoyance at the hints to his Sentinel instincts Jim merely smiled a little. Blair’s death and resurrection had taught him how important it was to accept who he was and all he could do. Resurrecting his Guide or talking to ghosts included.

“I’ll spend a lot of time in the gym,” he warned with a grin. 

“I know…and I do love how you look,” Blair said with heat in his eyes and couldn’t help but grin wickedly as the openly sexual statement made the older man fight a blush. 

“Besides, it’ll give me time to read and catch up on work,” Blair added, taking pity on Jim and let him regain his posture.

“I’ll buy you things you want, even if you don’t ask for them,” Jim said, trying to make it clear that if they became lovers Blair should not pay rent as he had done till now. 

He would not view them as separate from each other, not even financially. All that was his would also be Blair’s. 

Blair made a ‘surrender’ gesture with his hands. “Poor student here. If you’re down with it so am I.”

Jim was by now staring at him in amazement.

“Unless you explicitly invite me out I’ll automatically pick up a check when we go out.”

Blair shrugged, having never understood how anyone could put anything negative in such small gestures; to him it was just kind of sweet, a way for a couple to find a balance. There was no need for two people to both do exactly the same if one was better at one thing than the other. 

“No complains from me,” Blair said honestly. 

“I’ll take charge in all situations I feel I can handle.”

“We each have our strong sides and I have seen you gracefully step aside for anyone, including me, if you felt he or she was more qualified in an area than you. You have your world, I have mine and we each respect the knowledge and power something like that brings. It’s not a competition. It’s a matter of balance. Every man is King in his own world,” Blair added with a serious but frank note.

“I’m a neat freak,” Jim warned, his eyes and tone warm as he was slowly starting to believe this might just work out after all.

“Comes with being a Sentinel,” Blair said, thinking of how disgusting any kind of dirt would have to look to Sentinel sight. Not to mention smell or touch as well. Adding a military background and a childhood ruled by almost military rules…well, didn’t take a genius to figure out neatness would be an important issue. 

“I might not always follow your house rules but I do try and if I’ve been able to live with them so far as your friend I doubt I’ll have any issues doing so as your lover,” Blair added with a wide grin.

“I might touch you often, also in public, in any way the situation will allow. I’ll take your hand whenever I’m able to…even when driving,” Jim warned, recalling Carolyn’s discomfort to public displays of affection.

“You communicate a lot through touch. You already do so and I always loved it,” Blair said with a fond smile. Before now he had practically lived for those touches, thinking it was as much touch as he’ll ever be able to get from Jim.

“If someone talks badly about you I’ll defend you. If it’s a man I’ll likely ask we take it outside,” Jim warned, knowing them becoming a couple would mean they were very likely to run into homophobes and he would not take shit from anyone nor would he allow Blair to be subject to it. 

He recalled a time he had done just that with Carolyn and she had been royally pissed off after he had returned from the fight victorious, feeling he was behaving like some kind of caveman who didn’t believe she could handle the situation herself. He had always known she could do so but had wanted to do this for her anyway, because he had loved her. 

“Hey, I know fighting isn’t my primary strength and it’s not how I’d choose to settle or handle a situation but different points of view or approaches doesn’t make one stand more right or wrong than the other. So while I cannot say I’ll do the same for you I can say right here and now that I’ll protect you as viciously as you’ll do me. My methods may just be different. They’d be words and gestures. And about protecting then I will do anything to make sure you’re well and safe every day from making sure you eat right, that you’re properly cared for in the hospital or here when it comes to Sentinel sensibility,” Blair explained, his voice impassioned. 

“Sounds fine with me,” Jim said warmly, amazed by how well this was turning out. 

“You really don’t think these things make me….well, a throwback, a Neanderthal?” He asked carefully, using Blair’s words instead of the ones Carolyn had used by the end of their marriage.

Blair winced. “No. Just a gentleman and Sentinel raised after different norms and standards than I was.” He paused before he added, “And I’m sorry I called you those things. It wasn’t true then and isn’t true now.”

“Thank you.” 

The words were so heartfelt it made Blair sad he had never mentioned his bad choice of words more fully earlier.    
  


Blair slowly moved closer until they were a breath apart. Jim stroked his cheek with his left hand and Blair leaned into the touch, mindful not to press close to his injured right side. 

“You’re sure you’ll feel ok with this? I don’t think I could ever let you go like I did Carolyn,” Jim warned, his whole posture reflecting his love and the fear that Blair should pull back at the last second.

“I don’t want you to. I’ve never had the kind of love you talk about and I want it. I’ve always had to care for myself but I... I need your love. The kind of love you give, that you feel you need to give. I’ve seen flashes of it in our friendship. Now I want the whole package.” 

Jim smiled widely, joy shining in his voice, feeling overwhelmed by love and awe that this was truly happening. “I can’t believe you’re for real. No one can be that… perfect.”

Blair laughed out loud, joy in his heart and peace in his mind. 

”I doubt either of us are perfect but maybe we’re perfect together.” 

He paused before he added, needing to clear the air, “I want you to know that I turned my dissertation in a few days ago after I changed it to the theoretical study I told you about. The defence is in a few months.”

All Blair’s fears disappeared as Jim’s whole face lit up. 

“Congratulations, sweetheart. I know how hard you’ve worked for this degree,” he said as he added another of what was surely going to be many new nicknames to Blair. 

Blair smiled in relief and happiness, blushing at the endearment. 

”You’ll come to the defence?”

”First row, front and centre,” Jim promised.

”Thanks,” Blair said happily, feeling like all obstacles worth mentioning had now been overcome.

”I love you, Chief. Always will,” Jim said simply, his eyes sparkling with warmth and desire.

”I love you too. Forever,” Blair whispered as he laid his arms around Jim’s neck and leaned as close as the older man’s injury allowed. 

Their lips met in a loving and warm kiss promising eternity...promising fulfilment of all their needs.

**The End**


End file.
